It is that time of year, when everyone starts to layout plans and goals for the year ahead. Unfortunately for most cancer patients, ringing in the new year hits a little differently. For me, the new year brings the waves of anxiety I feel whenever attempting to look into the future. I do not know if this is the year my cancer is going to return, if I will remain in remission, or if something else unexpected will arise. At times the bleakness of the unknown feels consuming.
Yet, after allowing myself to sit in the fear of the “what ifs,” I was able to look past the haze they created and set my goal for the year ahead. And, yes, I only have one goal this year. As I reflected on the last several years and the whirlwind of emotions that came with them, one thing became clear to me-I need to work on loving myself. Trauma from my cancer battle and voices from my childhood have occupied my thoughts for far too long. It is time I take control of those thoughts, redirecting them in a more constructive direction, allowing myself to heal.
Like everyone else, I am flawed. I have aspects of myself that I am continually cultivating and refining. My goal, despite those aspects of myself, is to love and embrace who I am. I want to love myself even though I am girly (yes, I like pink, purple, and sparkles), have big emotions, and handle cancer differently than others think I should. I want to love myself even though I have 13 scars from my collarbone to the top of my hip bones, find basic grooming tasks exhausting, and never feel as put together as I did before having cancer. I want to love myself even though I still hear echoes from my childhood whispering that I am not enough.
I want to love myself because I am enough. Last year I learned that I am worthy of love, consideration, respect, and kindness-whether it is from others or from myself. However, I want to be so content with myself that the feelings and opinions of others do not change what I have learned to be true. I am a thoughtful, kind, and generous person that has been going through a traumatizing experience for over 7 years. I may not be perfect, but I have done my best to navigate the twists and turns that life has thrown at me. And, I do deserve to be loved.
Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.
~Lucille Ball
The Artfelt Brush 
You are right. Live today and make the most of it. There is nothing we can do about what happened in our early lives. I struggle with those things even now but realize my life is better when I can put childhood problems and issues with parents (mother in my case) in a box in the recesses of a corner of my brain and think about it as little as possible. I have not been able to totally ignore it but am getting better. Of course, I’m only 73! Concentrate on Brandon and especially August and you have great support in your mom, Brandon’s family and Tim and Troy and their families. This dealing with illness was not something I ever thought would happen to me either but guess it eventually happens to everyone who lives past 30. Hang in there. Just do your best and rely on family and friends and you will be fine. Ice cream helps also! Love, Jeannie
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