The Art of Planning

Pre-cancer, I was a planner. I loved to plan-from foreign travel and grocery lists to process flows, room layouts, and even my painting endeavors. When I traveled, I carried a binder organized by day and activity to ensure maximum enjoyment of my trip. At work, I spent hours experimenting with different floor layouts and improving process steps to enhance productivity. One art professor encouraged me to embrace my passion of planning in my artwork, suggesting that I meticulously map out every detail. Planning was not just something I did; it was where I thrived.

Then cancer happened, and my world flipped upside down. Planning, once my passion, became a burden. At first, I stopped planning for two reasons. The first being sheer exhaustion and lack of energy-I was so frail and underweight that I was living moment to moment, simply trying to survive. The second reason was the harsh reality that I was not expected to live long. Instead of planning, I embraced the time with my family in between medical appointments and procedures. The future no longer felt real; it was something I could not afford to think about.

Then a series of events brought hope. The chemotherapy worked better than anyone expected. I was able to undergo surgery on my liver and colon, and the maintenance chemotherapy was holding the cancer at bay. While I still could not mentally allow myself look too far into the future, I began planning small things again-birthday parties and weekend trips for my family. It was not to the same extent as before cancer, nor did it bring the same sense of fulfillment, but I was planning again.

Even within that small amount of planning, there was a persistent fear of looking too far into the future. Mentally, I could only handle living my life in two-week increments. Unfortunate events always seemed to arise, making planning beyond that point feel impossible. My port would break through my skin, I would get pneumonia, my hands and feet needed a treatment break, or I would require additional testing and procedures. While there were times it was necessary to plan beyond two-week increments, doing so pushed me far beyond the limits of my comfort zone. The idea of planning something then canceling it due to my physical health was heartbreaking.

Since going off chemotherapy treatments in the spring, I have slowly began to reemerge and plan further into the future. However, the seeds of doubt still linger in my mind. Planning no longer brings the joy it once did-it feels stressful and overwhelming. Yet, I hold out hope that, with time, these feelings will fade. That I will be able to take back one more aspect of the person I was before cancer.

Just because you make a good plan, doesn’t mean that’s what’s gonna happen. -Taylor Swift