‘Tis the season of gratitude-that time of year when we pause to reflect on all the blessings in our lives. This year, my list is drastically different from years past. For the first time in seven years, I feel true hope. Hope that I will watch my son grow older, hope that I will get to achieve some of my goals, and hope that my health will hold steady. Hope is what I am most grateful for this holiday season.
In the spirit of complete honest, I was struggling to hold onto hope after so many years battling cancer. I never thought that I would go off treatment or feel “good” again. For the past seven holiday seasons, I wore a mask. A mask that said I was okay-both physically and mentally. A mask that said I enjoyed the holidays and cooking for everyone. A mask that hid the fear of fainting or vomiting. A mask that made it seem like it did not bother me to move celebrations to a different day because I was hooked up to my chemotherapy pump. A mask that concealed the distress and pain cause by the chemotherapy’s side effects on my hands. So many masks, all to shield those around me from the harsh reality of undergoing cancer treatment with no end in sight.
For seven years, my first thought in the morning has been, “Still alive” (in the voice of the grandma from The Croods). Now, while I experience the same thought, I also think, “I do not need to vomit. My body does not ache everywhere. I can bend my hands and use them to create art.” The shift has brought a powerful new level of gratitude within me. I have shed my many masks, reintroducing old parts of myself while also discovering new facets of who I am. My hope is that I will continue to grow and evolve into a “real” person, beyond the shadow of cancer.
This year, I sit in profound gratitude that, cancer-wise, I feel “good”-or as close to normal as I could ever dream to feel. I am going to be able to cook for my family without struggling or putting on a mask. And, I am going to hold onto that feeling of hope for as long as possible. I am not naive-I know my cancer can return at any time, and there is no crystal ball to predict the future. But for today, I am going to relish the feelings of hope and gratitude for this moment in time.
Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. ~ Melody Beattie
The Artfelt Brush 