Since stopping chemotherapy in the spring, I have gradually been regaining pieces of independence that I had lost. After being diagnosed, I could not drive, prepare my own meals, bathe myself, or even brush my hair. I went from taking care of myself and my family to being completely reliant on others almost over night. Throughout the years as my condition fluctuated, I slowly regained aspects of my care. However, traveling independently was not one of them. My body was often too weak during treatment to lift or carry bags and I tired easily, making travel by vehicle or plane unsafe for me to manage on my own.
The hardest part of my inability to travel alone was relying on others to visit loved ones, friends, or family. My husband needed to work-he has been our sole source of reliable income for the past seven years. While I would ask others for help, the realities of traveling with a cancer patient proved burdensome for most. I typically had a narrow window of time between chemotherapy rounds when travel was possible, which was seen as rigid or restrictive. My need to avoid germs and illnesses often caused frustration, and my slower pace tested patience. As a result, I missed out on quality time and connections with loved ones that I deeply craved.
This past week, I was able to travel solo for the second time since going off treatment. However, it was the first time I returned without feeling completely exhausted by the experience. I was able to fully participate in all the activities without needing to rest or missing out, and it was truly soul-enriching. Although the reason behind my trip was somber and heavy, I came back feeling a little more whole. For so much of the past seven years, I have felt disconnected, as if I were living in the shadows. This trip not only restored a part of my independence but also allowed me to feel seen and part of something bigger than myself again. I am hoping this marks the beginning of much-needed healing as well as a transition into even more independence.
Above all be the heroine in your life, not the victim.
~Nora Ephron
The Artfelt Brush 